The Memories of my past still feels alive today,they still,
haunting me.
I Am already in my 40,but the memories of the life i once lived,still haunting me,they exist and very much memorable.
Today,not all my memories,had faded away...some people have had it worse than me,some of you might have had a sad childhood with no one to understand to love you to be there for you,some of you.some of you might have been abused in the wirse thinkable way,some might not even had anyone no parents,no family,around just loneliness and so much worse,some might have been adopted lived in
fosterhomes
some of you might have had the childhood of their dreams a good life that seems,so far out of reach for some,that stil
longing for love.There is a story within all of us to tell,either,if its good or bad.
I am here to tell mine the way onli i could feel my life ,growing up as a child,and how i ended up with the life i have today.I wish that we can all gather here to,
I was born in Norway,Moss,Dec !8.1966,
a rainy night time 3 AM.
The place i were born,are no longer there,i never knew the name,but i do know the area very well,since i used to walk by the place i once were born.
My mom and dad were to young to even be parents less take responsibly to raise a child my mom had just turned 16 my dad 21 the same year i was born and back then in 66 for teens in Norway to be parents were way to young.i am unable to fully remember my childhood,it was all very confusing,it was not the easiest but not the hardest..The first years of my life seems like very good years from my pictures i see a happy girl
maybe thoughtful but happy
the first week after my birth a picture taking from were i grew up,here not far from the capital in Norway Oslo,there its an such beautiful landscape peaceful a place to hide among nature wonders,here
me a week old with my mom two years after this time my grandparents became more than my grand
parents they also became my parents.the place i grew up NEBBA has a dear place in my heart as you can see in this picture,this beautiful
place were a wedding gift to my grandparents on their wedding day.They were my dads parents their names its the most wonderful to my heart.
Bredo and Borgny Barth.they always called my grandmother Boya not sure what it means but for me it sounds like a beautiful Star I remember only partly the home were my mom grew up with her parents,the place the people the drunks the home filled with fights smoke, that filled the rooms that for me as a little girl saw through as dust of poisoned clouds.with fear in my eyes,maybe that's why i dont remember...
later in life i also heard ,that my uncle killed my grandmother.,it must have been such a loss for my mom even thou i did not knew them well nor my mom i still feel for the time that happen years ago....
My three first year i had with my mom and dad were short,little do i remember except from when i am looking at pictures,then i can kinda make up my own childhood and make my years come to life.
,After i turned 3 my mom left me i dont know why i cried and missed her so i always missed her the mom i had my mom.her kind heart her funny laughter her long black hair that always were my hiding place for my face the touch of her arms around me that made me feel protected my mom i said mom to.just vanished to never to return.Painful time in my life still to this day i can cry and remember the moment when my mom left me.....Not only did she leave me but she left my dad.little did my dad knew about raising a child.since he rarely were home.he were a truck driver always on the road.the first year,after my mom left me my dad had to raise me.the road,were.not a home,to raise a little girl and for sure not a.home.living in the Truck.so my dad desided to let his,mom,and,dad raise me to live with them in their,apartment.in.Oslo.next to having NEBBA were we went every weekend,and spent our summers my grandparents also owned a,cabin on an island with name HVALER.today
its not an island its connected to the mainland.its a holiday paradise for sure,my grandparents were not only good people,but they were rich,my granddad use to own his own trucking company next to running a warm house business as a gardener,he were also once guard for the Norwegian king.My grandmother were homemaker but use to help out on board of a few boats,that went
to Nesodden from Oslo her uncle were owner within the company.next to this she did knitting creating handcraft table cloth in her spare time she sold candy in a candy shop in her days.but when they took me in they both were retierd,and could relax with many years of hard work
not only were they my grandparents but also my mom and dad.After i moved in with them i rarely saw my dad for years he was no were to be seen atleast this is what i remember.
My life with my grandparents were my happiness of love a good home warm clothes a bed to sleep in a family life that i always wanted.they meant the world to me they were the love of my life no one can ever be so wonderful as they were.but my life of the joy i felt,would soonhave an end.Growing up with my grandparents were the best thing that could have ever happen to me,until i turned 6 years old i started school,but i had then started to have problems to concentrate to behave.,so my grandparents had to take me out of school,and instead of school i had to see a psychiatric were i went once a week after this i had to start a school for trouble kids,in this period my grandparents health were not the best they went in and out of the hospital in a long period of time,.The same year i also saw my dad again so happy to finally say my dad,but my happiness would not last The same evening he told me we were going to visit some people he knew they had children that i could play with little did i knew that i would never again live with my grandparents nor see my dad again until later in my teens...
I was so happy to go with my dad to finally get some friends i could play with and i had a good time until my dad said.he,needed to leave for awhile,but he promised to be back,shortly the same evening.so i said Ok dad i wait right,here for you.As the time passed away closer to bed time.i asked this strangers if my dad would be here soon?they said No you are going to live with us.my world fell apart i run outdoors crying i did not wanted to stay here i wanted my dad i wanted my grandparents.i was so crushed all i remember i cried all night and days seems like i could not stop,Crying.a little part of me must have blocked out parts of my memories because i cant remember this day well nor the days after..My life at this point seemed so confusion there were so many changes so many new people new places to embrace and through all of my days i felt so lonely.
The family i ended up with became my foster
parents,they had 3 children on their own that were almost close my age.i came into a christian family were the bible were all in life i must say i got forced in many ways to go to church every Sunday and Wednesday something i did not wanted at all,and their own children did not needed to go !!during summer times i remember we always went bible camping.it was bible 24/7 i could not stand it,The rules the demands in every thing in life did not feel right. After the weeks past into months i remember my grandparents came to visit me i was so proud and so happy to see them to be with them but every time they left me i cried as i did every night.i did not feel at home and i did not wanted to stay .i started school late i was almost 8 years old i did not stop going to see a psychiatric,so i had a day school in Oslo about an hour drive from were i lived then i went to regular school close by were i lived after i started school i was teased a lot they named me the girl /boy with themustache because my name back then were Tony.and my surname Barth and Barth means a mustache.not only did i already were i in emotional pain but after being teased and not wanting to wake up to face a new day with grief and sadness scared of going to school..i found a life heart that saved me ...The only one that understood me were one girl in my class her name were Mona we became the best of friends and today some 30 years later we are still the best of friends.she were also teased some in school for being heavy so we both became the mice and the elephant. through my years in school there were so much sadness i did not either do well in school i had depression and feeling of loneliness became my shadow even thou i had a good home.i were raised just like any child should be raised,but there were always a missing piece,i did not knew what i was missing except my grandparents.
.After starting in 2 grade i finally could go every weekend tovisit my grandparents even thou their health were not the best i even could travel by boat by myself from were i lived to Oslo about 20 minuts with boat.i was so happy to finally stay the weekends with my grandparents and to be with them for the summer vacations....every time i traveled by myself by boat i always went out early on the boat deck to see if my grandmother were standing there far away on the pier to wave at me,my granddad usually sat in the car waiting either with a good cigar or watching the city life.i was shining like the sun i were always so happy and in my heart i felt this deep love.some winters when my grandmother were waiting on my to arrive with the boat i felt so sad for her she had this scarf around her head with a napkin to dry her nose she were always seems to be cold she even was wearing this summer dresses on the coldest winter days with only a very tiny stockings on,she must have felt so cold ,when i think of her today i can see this image in my minds eyes just as if she needs a warm good hug a blanket to keep warm..
The year when i were almost 14 years old it was a cold winter day i took the trip as i always had for so many years,there its so much i wish to express here today all the years betwwen my 7 birthday to my 14 birthday but will do this later another day.
it was a cold winter day that i had been looking forward so much to spend Christmas with my grandparent.it was always so magic,as i felt so good this day.i went earlier out
on the boat deck as i always did i looked for my grandmother but could not see her this time i looked and l looked but nothing i was thinking she might just be late or maybe she sat in a taxi ,the latest years she had to use a taxi because i remember my granddad had a stroke so i knew that he was home and waited.,as the boat came closer to the pier i could not see my grandmother,so when i walked closer to get out on the pier there were this strange man i have never seen before or at least this is what i remember.he asked me if i were Tula that waited for her grandmother i said yes who are you>am to meet my grandmother i cant talk to you..the man said your grandmother its not coming today i asked yes she do were is she.i was so mad at this man i asked him to take me to my grandmother but he said i needed to go back home i felt tears in my eyes and my head were spinning i just froze and asked him is she ok?he said yes she is but she is in Hospital.i asked if i could see her but still i could not.with my little purse on my shoulder and wearing my Christmas dress with tears in my eyes i went back in the boat,to return to my foster home..
.After returning home i were so sad that no words can ever describe a few weeks before Christmas came,i remember the phone call my foster mom received that my grandmother had past away i was crushed by the news my foster parents had a hard time to calm me down ,the hours the days before the funeral were my worst enemy i cant remember the detailed of the funeral,but i do remember my dad came the sadness he must have felt within and it was so good to see him and be with my dad again.the rest just a faded image in between i still today wish i had a change to say good bye to her a real good bye when before she past away i wish my foster parents could have went with me to the hospital and to tell me that she were so ill but they never told me,so still today i blame their actions towards me,its ok to shield me from pain but the pain its more deep when not get the change to say good bye..a few days after the funeral i remember Christmas eve came my granddad got help from a dear friend of my grandmother i came that Christmas to spend it with my granddad and Rakel the name of my grandmothers friend and a surprise above all my dad came and spent Christmas with us,The Christmas were sad time for all of us but i cant imagine how my granddad must have felt.the loss of his wife love of his life and my dad loosing his mom the pain and the emptiness. i could see it in their face's the sadness the loss.here its a pictures from that Christmas eve.....
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That i took,the picture has been restored by me it was severed damaged but so glad in my heart that i could see the picture the way i took it. surrounding the loss of my grandmother i always thought that she could not be gone i could believe that she would leave me and why?i always thought someone had taken her away from me from us and had been putting a bunch of stones in her casket,In after time of my thoughts as a young girl i knew my grandmother were cremated.which i did not understood so much about at that time.even today i sometimes look around wishing to see her face to feel her i just wish to speak with her just one more time but know in my heart that i never will ...
My life after my grandmothers passing were sad for me the weeks,and month went slow ,i can remember only a year after just before next christmas came another sad phone call,that my granddad had past away,my grandparents died not even a year apart and right before christmas times,even today at christmas its always a missing part in my life as i always lit a candle in their memorie.The funural that were held for my granddad went in an blink of my eyes he were not cremated as i think today were a good choose,he always belived in after life his spirit lives on in so many things as he was a beliver in God.Not even with my granddad i did not say Good bye..right after my grandmothers passing i did not see my granddad again until it was to late i think this is the main thoughts i have today 35 years later that if i only could have said good bye my life could be more at peace and move on. not only did i loose my grandparents but i lost the most precious most loving mom and dad to my heart the gift i received by having them to raise me as their own child.my loss is still as big today as it were back then,they say times heals of course it do.lifes moves on the future its here today i know they both would have wanted me to be happy to live my life with their memories in my heart.and i do i embrace them everyday i still thank God that i found peace with them in life even if i were young their memories lives through me which makes me strong.
A few years after my grandparents past away and everyday since i always went to their resting place,but my thoughts,feelings are not were they were put to rest for me they live around me in every raindrop i feel in every sunshine lights that warms my soul of the day. At night the moon the stars i see there is were i also see my grandparents i feel them in the wind i smell them in every flowers scent.
They are the voices i hear when i have doubts when i am sad.they are my forever inspirations in life in all i do
There were many adventures in the years to come living with my foster parents were for me not a choose anymore.my dad know lived in Norway after some years living both in Austria and Sweden he then returned to Norway to live in the apartment after my grandparents.That day came when my foster parents told me,that they wanted to speak with me,i were so excited so happy and i did not know why but i had a good feeling about their little talk to come..My foster parents started by telling me that i was 16 i could choose were i wanted to live if i would continue to live with them or if i wanted to try to move in with my dad.at that time my dad had retired from truck driving he started a new job as a security patrol at different events for celebrity's he also had to patrolling the winter/summer sports games started when there were quit times he patrolled in different places to make sure peace and order among drugs. alcoholism addicts.He had this job for several years. until he became an actor.he had a few movie parts and really enjoyed himself.at this time i desired to move in with him i was so excited and so happy than i had been for years.i still stayed in touched with my foster parents as much as i could.but as the days went by and i started 9 grade the sadness started all over.of course i had fun times i lived my life to the fullest.i had more boy friends than i could count i went on more party's than i can remember,i was always on the run but in the wrong directions
After starting school i did not like it much the only thing i loved were the guys,i had a Hugh crush on the most populare guy in school he was themost handsome and every girl wanted him.but to my suprise i were the one that he choosed he was the most kind hearted loving guys from next to be the most handsome and stronges.he had it all.at that time he were a socker player and were for many years after.
we had a good relationship until i had to mess my life up and our relationship.i were unfaithful more than once and when he found out i rememberone time he hit me hard and my head hit the sidewalk.i came home many times crying and i brought friends over but my dad did not wanted anything to .do with me or my crazy friends i dont know if it was my choose of friends or if i only wanted attention.mostly i needed a good dad a loving home which my dad could not give me,there were very much chaos at this time in my life i also ended up pregnant i did not even knew who was the father if it was my boyfriend or my lover i was 16 at this time,i could not take care of a child so i took abortion after this...My dad closed the door on me so i had
to live out on the street.i lived in a house for teens with special needs before and short time after my abortion.,then out on the street again after running away the mom to my boyfriend took me in so i lived with them for awhile she even became my foster mom after permission from child services
.My dad ,never answered my calls or open up the door to his home,at this time in my life i dont even think i stayed in touch with my foster parents.
i felt my life were falling apart.i moved out from my boyfriends home to another fosterhome.i really loved it there with an elderly lady and her son also a foster child.
but with my thoughts of life i runned away from it all my boyfriend and i had also just split up no wander after what i did and how my life
affected everyone,but there were one friend i had by my side it was a girl a met in 9 grade she was as crazy as i was.
we started to drink everyday,we used pills mixed with alcohol we used drugs i ended up on living home with her.but her home
were not so good either her dad were drinking also everyday and it was always a mess.instead of eating drinking took over everyday were party day
in this way we forgot the life we had instead party and guys were all we wanted.until i some how ended up on the street were i was cold lonely and had ro sleep in bus shelters even at that times phone boots,this life were
un describle my cloths were dirty i was always cold i could not even dress well and when i could i went in diffrent stores were i were stealing what i needed,stealing back then were easy,sometimes i got caught but i always got away with it.
One day when i had fallen asleep at the train station i met this very nice guy,
he told me he was a user and he advices me to not walk the streets or use drugs he, told me to call my dad or find anyone that could take,
me home.but at first i refused he were such a nice guy,but one night when my new found friend and i fell asleep on the sidewalk close to the train station,a car pulled up
and out came two ladys.they told me that they reiceved a phone call that i were to be found here and needed a home.i could only guess who called them yes my new found friend
he told me he did not wanted the life for me that he had and that i needed to get away from this bad path i was walking.so i left with the social services.to a home for teens that needed shelters....at this time i had drooped out of school to never return....after a couple of weeks living in the shelter i found myself wanted to leave get away from it all there were so many temptations there some of the teens were mean to me some stole from me others wanted me on drugs which i did not wanted i cryed so just many days all i wished for were to call my dad go home and be friends with him.so i called my dad ,and he finally understood to say i will come and pick you up,at that time my dad were upset at the social services and wanted only what was best for me.
so i returned home to my dad,which did not lasted to long.i ended up on a meeting with the social services to join a school for a year which belonged to the salvation army located in the city were i was born a campus school like a collage were you live for a year...i said yes to this and agreed to try.the weeks,months years i do not write about i will fill in later..As i joined the school the first weeks went fine i really felt YES finally i could go to school to pick the subject that i wanted.i meet this girl that became my best friend for months we had a bless living together at the school at the same room we both found this to be such a fun and wonderful school.until we both fell in love with guys outside the school,then the party started the wild life all over but i had fun and did not care much about the school unless drinking and trash the school.we one day did not came back to school we were caught drinking which were not allowed in this school.we both were punished cleaning potatoes for a week.after this week i went back to study do my mind my actions wanted other things.the school wanted me to use my energy on something else than just study so the salvation army with the social services desired that i could go to traffic school.it went great i found out i had such passion for driving i could really poor out my energy.until the day i was drunk throwing stones in school at other students i even hit all the fire alarm buttons at school to really get it going.the next day i was kicked out of school..i were lucky to get a cheap room in the city which i rented from ths guy that owned a house the social services helped pay for .
in between all of this i had meet this handsome guy that became not only my boyfriend but my passionate lover even years into our adults life's.we had wild party's we had it all.we lived life to the fullest.until the day i thought i were pregnant..i did not tell anyone expect from the girl i meet in school we still talked and met from time to time.i told her that i did not get my period and thought that i might be pregnant,so we went to a doctor to get me tested to see if i really were pregnant.after the test the doctor said that i was not pregnant but if i still not were getting my period i needed to come for a check up.....i never went back to that doctor office,because i moved to Oslo ,i lived with friends i knew that did not mind me staying with them..
still i had not been getting my period so i went to another doctor.the time i spent in the office until i came out felt like a lifetime in my most lonely hours i felt the world came crashing in over me,i was so young not knowing what this news even meant but as i knew in my heart i were already 4 months pregnant.
without a home without a job or family to support me.the only home i always knew were the social services.
so by their help they wanted me to move into a home the social services controlled there i could live with others in same situation. i could be with my child and with help take responsibly to raise a child.i was 17 at this time
Later the same year i had a little boy.i was so trilled so happy long before he were even born i had created this wonderful little place around in my room at this time i went on shopping to welcome my baby son i finally felt happy in my life i felt changes i could see improvement in myself even those around me could see that i had become a different person a proud young lady a new start in my life i really for the first time i felt love i gave love when i had my son in my arms i were so overwhelmed by tears happy tears.he were my most precious i could not take my eyes of him i counted his fingers his toes at least a millions of times i watch his face until we both fell asleep.....the feeling i felt can not even be describes
After giving birth to my son the times ahead were the most beautiful in my life,a new chapter in my life,with so much love thoughts and memories i will treasure forever..
after a wonderful year with only joy,i had an appointment with my doctor for a routine check up i were feeling a little weak with the flue i remember and at that time in my life i were a heavy smoker i think i smoke around 40 cigarettes a day way to much so i went to check my lungs,after the visit the waiting for a result came as a shock to me i did not had any problems with my lungs but the doctors found out i had a big heart i were born with an defect hole in my heart that no doctor ever before had found,no wander why i always were blue under my eyes and blue on my lips so this were a defect the doctors wanted to fix,at that time there were only open heart surgery back in 1986 still remember it was exactly a year after i gave birth to my beautiful son....The doctors said they needed to do surgery to close the hole,there were no danger i had not needed to do the surgery but to prevent me from heart disease later in life they saw it necessary .so i were set up on an waiting list to wait for the day to my surgery.i waited 4 month not longer because i were young they said i were lucky to get this done soon as possible.at this time in my life i did not see any harm of having a surgery yes i was nervous but nothing more..i were well taking care of days before my surgery i already n=knew some of the staff working in the hospital they were my friends i had meet during some wild summer party's.my one friend he was both a hospital security guard and within the ambulance personnel.my other friend he were the one that helped guided the patients in their beds before surgery so yes i had new found friends that meant so much to me..when the day came to surgery it was over in an blink of an eye at that time my surgery took all from 4 hours to 6 .when the days after i cant remember much not even who came to visit me i had so much pain and i had to take so much pain killers so were i was and whom i talked to its still something i cant remember but the people that came could tell me so much fun that i had told them and i had answered them with the most ridiculous answer..the first i remember were my doctor he was the most handsome ever.i can still recall how i made him come to me more than he was suppose to i used that emergency button more times than i could remember,so as you understand i were back,not only did i flirted a week after surgery but i were walking the hospital floors and just wanted to go home to my beautiful son......
When i finally came home i was so happy filled with love and tears to see my son to be with the one life that meant theworld to me my son.but i was not healed and as much as i wanted to run around with my son and play with him i could not but only see him there from my bed playing with baby sitter or in the weekend he went away to weekend parents that i had i really loved them they took real good care of my son i looked up to them some times in the back of my mind i always wanted parents like them.as they went by and i healed little by little i could again play with my son and be with him more it was so good to just hold him tight again to tell him how much i loved him.i had all the reasons to live and happy i did.when my days went to weeks and months and i had healed i stayed most of my days inside with my son i went often to a play room that we had for our children i also went to the mall from time to time i even became friends with other moms in the same situations as me i felt so blessed that my life had worked out so well,with a reason to live with the most beautiful son i felt given a second change in life.
so in my pain my last agreement i said he could live with his weekend parents, i really loved them i still thinking of them from time to time.they did a great job raising my son to be a wonderful man i even stay in touch with him from time to time which its the most precious moments in my life i also saved through the years pictures and letters drawings,each and everyday i think of him and i hope one day some day he wish to see me this is my dream my wish nothing else matters than he.there its so much emotion between my lines so much pain i felt in this time in my life,so much anger i remember i even wrote a letter to the Norwegian king to get help to get my son back i even tried free attorney help but not much i could have don't.it seems at that time i did not had anyone.but a few years after the adoption i did see my son i even had him for a few hours in my apartment i took over from my dad after my dad moved to Sweden.
it was so special moments for me to have my son to see him to play and just spend mom and son time its was the most beautiful moments.its hard to loose a child he were the only thing i lived for he was my world and in an moment everything was gone just gone......
My dad desired after an time to come home to Norway so he lived in the apartment while i got myself a job with a one room apartment within the hospital.
i worked as a cleaner for the new born nursing area.i loved my job i even at times had the change to take care of a few new born baby's premature baby's to make sure they were alright.i really missed my job years after i quit i only quit because i did not feel strong enough after my heart surgery and by loosing my son.
but within this year i had an relationship with this handsome truck driver we even got engaged and i became pregnant i was at this time only 21 years old and already been through so much this guy i went on vacation with we really had a blessed passionate relationship until he started to beat me up after finding out about my pregnant he went wild of anger so i ended up taken an abortion..even after this i still took him back ,after i left my work and moved back into my apartment since my dad had left again.little did my dad knew about my life he still don't today.in between his move and my work and relationship we sold our family paradise NEBBA because my dad could not take care of it anymore and i could not i were to young to even own a house to pay to keep it up with so many things so with a heavy heart we sold the wedding gift to my grandparents the house the beach yes all of it...when i moved into my apartment in Oslo my fiancee moved in with me.....but our relationship did not lasted to long,he lied to me so i lied i were un faithful with his best friend so was he so we went on hurting each other.so one day i told him to leave he told me he did not wanted to so i had to for the first time call my dad to ask if he could help me,my dad came,and at the same time a neighbor also came to help me to get him out,but still he made a big scene were he did not wanted to move so my dad said i will call the police,then he finally said ok i will pack my stuff and get out so he did the same evening... i was so happy that he left that he was out of my life.the time ahead with no one in my life,and all alone the missing life were my son.with the loss of him and lonely as i felt.i meet friends some old some new i started to live my life to the fullest of course in the wrong direction.everyday were party day every day were a dance,club days wild after party's in my apartment i was drunk 24 hours the only thing i lived for were how wild i could be.i had more lovers that i can count even remember..with my life going crazy i thought i had it all when in realty i had nothing.yes i had money i had an apartment i had the good looking guys i felt at that time i had it all..i lived a wild few years with drugs, alcohol,guys photography,modeling.i traveled,we stole passports we traveled under fake names you name it i did it all.there is nothing i did not do.and not only within this no i were also very good in sport i run i did biking for years i were a swimmer,dived,i climb mountains yes i did all this to waist it all away..i even in my younger years played Tromped a good musician as well as a singer.....
Being without my son,learn to live all over without him were hard ,but as i grew older i also put the days of wild party's and drinking away not all the way but in a normal way.i had someone to live for and i stayed strong this way in hope of one day my son might need his mom.even if he were adopted it was him that made me live that lived in my heart and in my mind i knew i had to stop wasting my life stop killing myself slowly..so by standing strong i survived because of the thought of my son.,as they and years went by i found good friends i had my dad in my life even thou he lived in Sweden we kept in touch via letters and phone calls which went very well,i also at this point had good communication with my foster parents so i had family good friends and a safe place to live,of course once in awhile i had home party's i went out had fun but within limits for myself.at this point in my life.i also got a job,that i loved it was not a job that lasted but it kept me sane..
in my free time i spend every Wednesday and weekends going out to a place in Oslo with name at that time Banken.it was a place were mostly Swedish dance band had there events with dance and when the band had breaks they sometimes would talk with their fans.me and my lady friend at this time we always found away to enter back of the stage to make out with the men,it was such a high moment for me i had my favorite at that time one band with name Saunders,some other events there were dance contest and i won at times too we had such a blessings time the other band i remember were a Norwegian band with name Norde sving i were so crazy about one guy there that i even had a change to have plenty of fun with,but every fun time comes to an end.i think at this point in my life .the last night out we went on this concert in Oslo were the band would play with name vikingarna ,and what an event and when the night were almost over we meet the band singer christer this is for me a true good memory.since at this time he were my favorite singer.
The days ahead i had slow peaceful days as i turned older i had the change to really sit down and look at my life which meant for me to write i could heal i can remember ever since i started drawing as a child i could heal in so many ways so as i created either stories or i created anything i could with my hands.i started already in my teens with publication of short poems,or stories that were published in teens magazines with the name STARLET...
When days were dull i still went out with friends,one night i went by myself i sometimes did go out by myself to dance or do find a date which was no problem for me.one night i met this man he were tall dark and handsome for me he was a real man strong and kind and warm..he also had a good job as a driver for the prime minister in Norway at this time he also escorted the Norwegian king a few times which i felt this is a good job and he sounded so safe,i totally fell love.but what i learned after our storm full intense romanceas lovers.he were not only married to be separated.but he also had children.i felt crushes down and stept on.it was so sad for me since i really wanted to met a good man.in between him,before him i dated a police officer but he were more a lady man with flirt written all over him,so when i ended up alone again i found out that i was pregnant...what i felt its so much emotions so much love it was a gift a beautiful,magical gift that would change my life and me..it might have been a selfish thought but i wanted a child more than anything ,after days weeks and years after loosing my first born to adoption really made me see life with new hope of course more than anything i wanted my son back i wished for a good man i wished for so many things,in life but i could not go back but i could move forward but never without a day without my son that lived away from his mom i thought of him everyday and everything i did he was there even today i talk to him i wander about so many things so many.feelings.but one thing for sure when i found out i was,pregnant with a new baby i had to tell the whole world i was so happy.the only concern i had were the social services,but this time i had people around me friends and family i also had a good income and a safe place to live.
in between weeks with my son i had a social worker visit us twice a week just to see how i were doing in my life raising a child,after a few years the social services told me i did a very good job and no more need for social services to watch over us the world were ours me and my son and the future were a beautiful dream.
we lived a good life and we both were happy i had back my dad in my life he was so proud to be again a grandpa i also had a few good friends that meant everything to me.
a few years i started thinking about how it might feel again going on dates,so with some dates and with a good nanny for my son i started dating again not that i long for to go out to party no i just felt lonely without a man in my life an a good dad for my son..
so after a few date i met this what i thought to be the most charming wonderful man.
he had a good humor he was a true gentleman he knew how to treat a woman and his first meeting with my son were the magic moment ,my son were so happy with a good smile and he even ended up calling him dad.my new found man had a good job and he came from a good home a divorced home but still good.we were not similar at all but our love were exploding we had chemistry like i never felt before..1 1/2 years later we were engaged and i were having our first child together.i was so trilled this man made me so happy and mike were going to have a little brother or sister.....sorry that my site its under construction when it comes to the text color and size i will work on this shortly.,,,,
The summer of 92 i had a beautiful baby boy
i felt like the most luckiest mom i felt loved i felt that i finally had good life and a loving man.the day of our baby boy were born i walked to the hospital i remember and as soon as i came to the hospital right after about 2 hours i had my baby in my arms .i had received another gift i were a happy mom and tears of joy to have a real family i always were longing for..To name our boy were easy he got his dad first name Kim with a middle name i got to decide so i called him Christopher i wanted something different than a typical Norwegian name,
we lived in Oslo at this time but moved away out to the ocean far from everyone and out on an beautiful island outside the Norwegian coastline.Mike were a proud baby brother both our boys were the sunshine in our life,so right after kris were born i found myself pregnant again we were again blessed to be parents,when i was 7 month pregnant with our baby we got married in a beautiful church.we were happy seems like our fairy days would never end we had a perfect life we were one in all the boys the love i shared with my husband but little did i knew the real man that i had married.and little did i knew that this man would ruined my life and my children life's for the rest of our life's.
sometimes i wish i could go back just to see my children again just to hold them again and love them with all my heart like i once did and love i always received back from my children..i still love them with my life my children will always be remembered .
Me and my x husband were married very short it lasted only
a few years and after our girl were born.i felt as if i always were alone with my children my x were instead busy with finding lovers online this were back in the 90 our girl were Born in 93.i am not going to tell a long story just a few memories that i feel i need to write down.i always felt that all i did were alone so many times i had to call my dad to ask if he could help me with my children and grandpa always came to be with his grand children.my x had not only 1 lover but 3 he also told one of them that me and my children had died in a car crash i was so crushed hearing about this that i cried for weeks i raised my children alone with my x in the same house he always were mad and did not care much about his own children i could see their questions i their eyes why daddy would not come and play or eat with us.he often also dragged our children by the arms or by their hairs up the stairs i was trying always to prevent this but the worse thing he did he locked our son not only one time in his room so he could not get out but it happened pretty much.i tried to tell my closest friends family and they advised me to leave him which i did later on.my x told me one day that he had found the love of his life in USA so he wanted to leave and see her.so he left then i saw the one thing i should have been doing for a long time i contacted an attorney and filed for divorce.
a few days later my x called and said he were to married this lady so he were hoping that i had left with our children so i did i left and we all moved in with my dad...
The divorce went well and my x had already then went back to Norway with his new wife i wanted my x to get the change to see his children every weekend and he agreed that this was a great idea so when i packed the small little bags for the children they were so happy to finally be with daddy but he never came to pick them up he never came to even say hello.i can remember he must have seen them maybe twice in a year...
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I LOVE the color! And the whole style. What a wonderful blog! Claire
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Claire!,for your very kind words about my blog i am really Glad you like it.)
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